


To: My Secret (Bye, My First)

by RJ_BBH



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Completed, Complicated Relationships, Confessions, Drama, Excessive Cursing, Finished, First Crush, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, HS, Happy Ending, High School, Kissing, Love/Hate, M/M, NCT Dream - Freeform, Oneshot, Rare Pair, Romance, Secret Crush, South Korea - Freeform, Unrequited Crush, a lot of angst but a happy ending like always, aka jisung has a huge phat crush on jun, all kinds of mf crushes, huang renjun - Freeform, if u squint, implied alcohol influence, jisung - Freeform, jisung pov, nct - Freeform, park jisung - Freeform, renjun - Freeform, rensung, soft, sungren, whats new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-10 23:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20143933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RJ_BBH/pseuds/RJ_BBH
Summary: At age 9, Park Jisung makes a promise. At age 15, Jisung falls in love. At age 17, Jisung realizes first loves aren't really what he expected them to be. At age 18, Jisung realizes first loves are difficult. At age 20, Park Jisung finally runs out of paper in his diary and says goodbye to his first love.





	To: My Secret (Bye, My First)

**Author's Note:**

> ***PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, OR COPY.

✐

_ “I like you, hyung!” _

_ “Aw, Jisungie! Hyung likes you too!” _

_ “I want to marry you!” _

_ “What? We can’t get married! That’s for adults, silly!” _

_ “B-but, I want to marry you now…” _

_ “Ah! Don’t cry, don’t cry!” _

_ “I want to marry you now!!!” _

_ “Ah, don’t cry! Okay, okay! Hyung will marry you!” _

_ “R-really?” _

_ “Yes! When we’re older! Hyung will marry you! But it has to be a secret! Okay?” _

_ “Okay!” _

_ “Promise?” _

_ “Promise.” _

✐

At age nine, Park Jisung made a promise. 

After that promise, little Jisung went straight to his room and jotted it immediately down into his diary he always loved to carry around. He was over the moon that he could finally be able to marry the hyung he’s loved so much so dearly! But, he repeats to himself and reminds himself that it was a secret. He promised it. He spends almost an hour looking at his finished piece, before carefully closing his diary shut with the brightest smile on his face. He holds the diary gently close to him against his chest.

_ To: My Secret _

_ I’m going to marry you when I’m adult! I can’t wait! You promise. I promise. _

_From,_

_ Jisung _

✐

At age fifteen, Jisung fell in love. He had never known what _ love _ felt like until that very moment. 

After getting home from his soccer game, Jisung quickly runs up to his room as he fumbles his way towards his desk. He hastily pulls out his diary from his drawer and clumsily grabs any type of writing utensil near him. He begins writing in a hurried manner.

_To: My Secret_

_ My heart is beating like crazy. Is this what love is? I’ve only seen it in my mom’s dramas. But it’s my first time feeling it in person? It feels so weird! I don’t know if I like it! I hope you didn’t notice how red I got. Cause that’s embarrassing. I always thought that getting my first nintendo ds would be the only time that my heart would race this way. So this is love. Love is incredible! _

_ Was it really sincere? Did you really mean it? When you said you came to the soccer game just for me, did you really mean it? I can’t believe you noticed me today, yet alone come to watch my game. I thought you forgot about me. It’s been so long since I’ve properly talked to you. You just started high school, I thought that you’d be too cool now to talk to me. I still can’t believe it. Hyung, you looked so pretty today. I wanted to tell you...but I didn’t. _

_ Hyung, do you remember our promise? I feel childish thinking about it, but I sort of hope you remember it too. _

_From,_

_ Jisung _

✐

At age seventeen, Jisung finally entered high school. It was only after Jisung entered high school when he realized first loves weren’t really what he expected them to be.

“I think I _ really _ like him, Le.” Jisung sighs out as he paces back and forth next to a sprawled out Chenle on his bed. 

“Ji, c’mon. Let’s be real. He’s _ way _ out of your league! _ Plus_, just because your his, what, _neighbor_? Nah, man. That doesn’t give you _ any _ bonus points. You’re literally just as helpless as everyone else at our school who has a crush on him.” Chenle blabbers out without much thought. He wasn’t purposefully trying to hurt his best friend, but just trying to be a logical helper. 

“But...he treats me differently…” Jisung softly mumbles out while fiddling his fingers together.

“_Bullshit_.” 

“He does!” Jisung exclaims while hopping on his bed next to Chenle. “I swear.”

“Okay, I’m listening. Prove it. How so?” Chenle asks while sitting up in an increasingly interested tone, putting on his detective glasses on immediately. 

“He...gives me bread. Sometimes…”

“_Bread???” _Chenle screeches out.

“Ah, god! Lele! My fucking ears!” Jisung yells as he covers Chenle’s mouth with one hand, while blocking one ear with his other hand.

He releases his hand from Chenle’s mouth when he’s deemed the older boy has calmed down as much as he could.

“Like breakfast…” Jisung clarifies shyly, unable to look at Chenle’s judgemental expression and his two hands still up in confusion and disbelief. 

“When I see him outside on our way to school! Like, he _ knows _ I don’t eat breakfast...so he gives me half of his...bread.” Just as the last word leaves his mouth, he suddenly regrets bringing the topic up as a whole. Jisung internally screams before looking up at the suspiciously quiet Chenle. The two boys stare at each other for a long minute in silence with unreadable expressions on their faces.

Chenle lets out the loudest hefty laugh, quickly distorting into his usual roaring dolphin scream. _It was_ _unbearable_.

“Shut the fuck up you dolphin!” Jisung yells out, trying to hold in his smile at his ridiculous best friend, as he flings his pillow straight at Chenle’s face.

Chenle continues his dolphin scream laughs for an eternity, and Jisung laughs along with him. Chenle was right. Maybe he was being delusional. Maybe the bread meant nothing. Maybe...

But Jisung knew it deep inside. He _ did _ treat him differently. _ As so he thought. _ It wasn’t until near the end of his very first semester in high school when he started questioning that. 

Throughout his first few months of high school, Jisung soon came to realize how popular his hyung actually was. It had happened after school ended. 

Jisung was used to this. He was used to hearing how he got confessions left and right by now. He was use to Chenle gossiping to him who the student of the day was that senior class Huang Renjun had rejected. He was used to all of it. What he wasn’t used to, was seeing it in person for himself. 

_ What kind of bullshit luck he had. _

Jisung lets out a deep sigh as he heads down the school stairs. He had to stay a bit later because of a soccer team meeting that needed discussion about upcoming fundraising ideas. _ Boring_. He quickly begins to pick up the pace going down when all of the sudden he hears a familiar voice booming up from below him. 

_ “So what do you say, Huang? This Friday? I promise I’m not a bore like the other guys.” _

_ “Listen, I’ve had a really busy week...and I have plans this weekend. I’m sorry, but maybe another time.” _

He stops his steps as he listens to the two voices in the staircase. He knows he shouldn’t be listening to their conversation, but it was Renjun hyung. It was rare for him to even be listening to him. After high school started, he thought he’d be able to see him more, but in reality he rarely got to. Maybe even less. He was literally harder to catch than a goddamn Pokémon at this rate. Jisung makes sure that the conversation is over and gone before continuing down the stairs again slowly, like the mouse he was.

As Jisung reaches the bottom of the staircase he scrambles down on to the last steps while shrieking out. He grabs on to his chest as he looks up at an expressionless tiny Renjun hovering over him.

“God! Hyung! You scared me!” Jisung sighs out while fumbling his best to get up cooly.

Renjun shakes his head and helps the poor boy up the rest of his way as he grabs onto his flailing arm.

“Eavesdropping much?” Renjun annoyingly breathes out.

Startled out of his mind to see Renjun standing right there in front of him, finally, after what feels like a fucking eternity, all Jisung can do in response is stare with his mouth agape at the smaller scowling hyung. 

Renjun continues to stare at Jisung with scrunched eyebrows and one not so happy look.

“Oh, _ right_. I...I was just-” Jisung begins to blubber out. “It was an accident-”

“Sorry?” Jisung squeaks with an apologetic crinkled smile.

The two boys stare at each other in an awkward silence before Renjun lets out a bright shiny laugh with a smile that was safe to say, blinding. He hadn’t seen him smile like that in _ years_. He wish he only smiled like that for him. 

Jisung’s eyes widen and his mouth opens at the view in front of him.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Jisung shakes his head, stupidly realizing what he had just done. He must have looked like a fool. _ Stupid. Idiot. Ugh! _

“Nothing.” Jisung quickly stutters out. 

Renjun lets out a little laugh at the cute lanky boy in front of him.

“On your way home?” Renjun asks as he starts to walk near the exit of the school building.

Jisung nods his head as he follows closely behind, not even centimeters apart. 

“Wanna walk home together?”

Jisung nods his head again.

The two are on their way home together, just walking in comfortable silence. In reality, Jisung’s head was filled with million and thousands of thoughts and questions he wanted to ask his hyung. It really had been so long since he hung out with him alone like this. _ Maybe months. _

_ Should he talk to him? Should he say something? Should he just shut up? Should he ask him about what happened earlier? Was he really busy this weekend? What was he doing? Who was he seeing? _

After several more minutes of internal whining, Jisung finally builds up the courage to talk. He would have regretted it for the rest of his life if he let this chance pass by.

“Do you...get confessed to a lot?” Jisung asks in a quiet voice, not really looking at Renjun, but not necessarily avoiding him completely.

Renjun lets out a long sigh. “_A lot _would be an understatement. Does it show that much?”

Jisung shrugs his shoulders in response.

“I didn’t know you were so popular, hyung.” Jisung admits shyly while letting out a small chuckle.

“Why? You didn’t think a shorty like me could have popularity? Huh?” Renjun jokes while giving Jisung a little shove against his shoulder.

“What! No! I never said that!” Jisung quickly retaliates.

“I’m joking, kiddo.” Renjun chuckles out as he swings his arms back and forth against himself, like a little kid himself.

“Right. But, I mean…you _ are _ pretty short.”

“Yah! You wanna die?” 

Jisung laughs out loud as he tries to protect himself as if he was gonna get attacked by Renjun any second.

“It’s weird seeing you in our high school uniform, to be honest.” Renjun admits. “And when did you get so tall, for real?”

“It’s embarrassing as fuck.” Renjun confesses sharply. “Don’t get too near me.”

Jisung looks down at the smaller hyung close beside him and lets out a small laugh while clasping his hands together. “Don’t worry, hyung! Hopefully your growth spurt will come before you graduate!”

“Yah, Park Jwi-sung! I’m gonna kill you!”

Jisung starts to run away laughing, trying his best to avoid Renjun’s sharp hits as fast as he can.

When Jisung gets home, he immediately goes up to his room and tosses his backpack against the foot of his bed with the biggest smile on his face. He calmly pulls out his diary like he has all the time in the world and places it on his desk gently. He lets out a long sigh with a smitten look on his face as he leans his hand against his chin. He chuckles to himself like a lovesick puppy before opening up his diary as he grabs a pen and starts writing. 

_To: My Secret _

_I’m glad I eavesdropped today. I’m glad I had my soccer meeting. It was like fate. I knew it existed. The dramas never lie. If I had known I’d see you today, I would have fixed my hair this morning! I can’t believe we’re finally in high school together. It feels like a dream. Even though I don’t really see you...I’m still upset how popular you got hyung...you’re not even that funny. Just kidding. Maybe it’s cause you’re so pretty...stop being pretty! _

_ I wish we could walk home like this together more often. I wish I could see your smile more often too. And talk to you more…and just see you more. _

_ But I’m me. And you’re you. Maybe when I’m hyung’s age you’ll accept me? I guess in the meantime I’ll just watch you from afar hyung. I’m too much of a coward to confess to you anyways. You understand right? _

_ You wouldn’t reject me though would you? Ha...I don’t know. I don’t want to think about that. _

_ But I’m glad we still have our promise. I’ll hold on to that for now. _

_ I can’t believe this is our only year together...do you have to graduate? I just got here…where’s the fun in that? _

_ You’ve changed a lot, hyung. _

_ I’m gonna really miss you…I already miss you. _

_ Don’t go, hyung... _

_ From, _

_ Jisung _

✐

_ “Will you come to my soccer game?” _

_ “When is it?” _

_ “This upcoming Friday.” _

_ “I think I’ll be busy.” _

_ “Figured.” _

_ “What’s that supposed to mean?” _

_ “Nothing.” _

_ “Am I really still your favorite hyung?” _

_ “...” _

_ “Am I???” _

_ “Ah, hyung. You’re too close.” _

_ “Our little Jisungie really is all grown up.” _

_ “Ah, stop pinching my cheeks! It hurts!” _

_ “I’ll try to come. But I can’t make any promises.” _

_ “Whatever.” _

_ “Stop growing.” _

_ “Stop being short.” _

_ “Ow! Did you just kick my shin, hyung? Really? I have a soccer game this Friday!” _

_ “Hwaiting!” _

_ “You suck.” _

_ “Sure~” _

_ “You’re annoying.” _

_ “You love me!” _

“Yeah.” Jisung sighs out as he watches Renjun go up the stairs and disappear into his house. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Renjun doesn’t show up to his soccer game.

✐

At age eighteen, Park Jisung realized first loves were difficult. It wasn’t until near the very end of his first school year in high school when he had felt it. _ Really felt it_. It wasn’t until the end of his first school year when he realized first loves were as difficult as they said. 

Honestly, if someone had told him sooner that high school would be this difficult, he would have studied a _ little _ harder. High school was fucking hell. Plus, he was focusing a lot of his time on soccer. He had to make a choice soon if he was going to pursue soccer or not. It was taking up way too much of his free time. Jisung hated making big decisions. Always gave him anxiety. 

Jisung shakes his head at the thoughts flooding his mind as he makes his way home after a long day at school. He would have to go home. Take a shower. Eat something. Then go to his private studying lessons to study some more. Then come home. Then sleep. Then go to school. Then repeat. It was hell. _ God_. He didn’t understand why his mom was already making him take the private study lessons. Did she have no faith in her son? _ Eh. _Jisung admitted he wouldn’t have faith in him either if he were his mom. Maybe Jisung should just choose soccer so he could study less…

Jisung continues to make his way home as he mumbles to himself while blasting his music through his earphones. 

Jisung takes a shortcut to go home and goes through some empty alleyways he knew by heart. He continues to be on his way when he decides to take a sharp left turn into a bigger alleyway near his house. 

Jisung immediately freezes at the sight before him. He sees near the middle alleyway a familiar petite boy with brown hair against the wall kissing a slightly taller boy with dusty blonde hair.

Jisung immediately turns back around out of the alleyway. He rubs his eyes once. Twice. Three times. Before slowly turning around again, peeking back into the alleyway as quietly as he can. 

It really was Renjun hyung. He recognized the boy to be a senior from his high school. 

The two boys continue making out with each other.

Jisung suddenly feels like puking. He quickly turns back around and retreats as fast and far as he can from the alleyway towards his home. 

His heart won't stop pounding. He hits his chest a couple times as he shakes his head in disbelief. He can’t breathe. He shakily tries to exhale the air in his lungs out as best he can. He feels like crying. What was this feeling? He hated it.

Jisung stomps up the stairs of his house and swings open his bedroom door. He angrily pulls out his bottom drawer and shoves his hands into the back of it as farthest he can without looking. He huffs when he can’t find it. Jisung looks into the drawer and finally finds a smaller more worn out diary near the very bottom of the pile of many notebooks.

Tears begin to well in his eyes as he roughly throws it out onto his table and flips harshly to a page he seemed to know by heart.

He looks at the page only for a second before ripping it out completely.

He crumbles the page up before turning around to toss it into his trash can. He lets out a shaky breath through his nose before leaving his room while slamming the door shut behind him.

It's not even a moment later before the boy is running back up the stairs into his room, hastily digging through his trash can beside his bed with a worried look on his face. He carefully finds the crumpled up paper and gently unfolds it until its completely flat in his palms. He lets out a sniffle as he wipes his tears as he holds onto the piece of paper as gently as he can against his chest.

Jisung brokenly walks to his table and pulls out his current diary from his drawer and quickly begins to scribble onto the pages as tears begin flowing down his pink face. His tears start to splatter onto the pages below him.

_ To: My Secret _

_ God. I hate you so fucking much. I can’t believe you. Were you always like this? Maybe it’s not even your fault. It’s mine. God. I hate me so much. Why do I like you so much? It’s the absolute worst. The absolute shittiest. Its just...bullshit! I hate this. Why did it have to be you? Out of everyone? Why? I was stupid. I was stupid to think I had a chance with you. I wanted to be your first kiss. I wanted to. It was supposed to be me. Why did it have to be him? Why? It’s not fair. _

_ I hate you. I hate this feeling. I hate it I hate it I hate it. _

_ I almost threw it out. Our promise. I can’t believe you almost made me do that. I can’t believe you. _

_ You’re really mean, hyung. _

_ I hate you. _

_ From, _

_ Jisung _

✐

It was at age eighteen, right before the school year was over, right before senior graduations, when Park Jisung learned how to hide his feelings. _ Completely_. _ Fully. And perfectly. _

After what he witnessed in the alleyway, Jisung started to avoid the older boy as best he could. Anytime he’d hear of him, he’d put his earphones on. Anytime he saw anyone that remotely looked like him, he’d walk the other way. Jisung started to become a professional at making excuses. He memorized the smaller’s crazy schedule and would do everything to do everything opposite of him, so he’d never see him. It hurt at first. It hurt. _ A lot. _ And he couldn’t help showing it. But, over time he got use it. And he learned. He learned how to hide his feelings. He even tried to hide it towards himself. 

Jisung leans against the chair in the empty classroom. It was the lunch break, but for some reason today, he didn’t have an appetite. Maybe it was the weather. He brings his phone closer to his face, the sound of the game on his phone getting louder and louder as he pounds his thumbs against the display screen repeatedly. 

Too focused on his game, Jisung doesn’t notice the presence sitting across from him. Jisung suddenly feels a warm touch that begins to fiddle against his unoccupied fingers against his phone. 

“Ah, hyung. Stop it.” Jisung whines out annoyingly, trying his best to shoo the older smaller boy away from him without losing focus.

“Pay attention to me...” Renjun cutely grumbles.

Jisung only scowls in response and focuses his attention back towards his phone screen, eyebrows still scrunched together.

“Yah Park Jisung, are you really not gonna give your hyung any attention?” Renjun exclaims while banging his fists on the table.

Jisung continues to look at his screen, not even sparing a glance at the boy across from him, and brings up his phone once again to signal he’s busy.

Renjun shakes his head, lets out a loud obvious scoff, and crosses his arms in an annoyed manner. He tries to look as irritated as he can. He darts his eyes out the window, but slowly turns his gaze back towards the younger boy in front of him. He lets out a long sigh and gives up. He lays his head on the table and just looks up at a focused Jisung playing his game. Renjun lets out a sarcastic snore around the same time Jisung finally puts his phone down.

“Oh thank god. Did you die?” Renjun enthusiastically asks as he brings his head up and looks at the younger boy with wide doe eyes.

“I never lose, young one. I only win.”

“Yah, young one?” Renjun death glares Jisung as the taller lets out an annoyed smile while rolling his eyes.

“I got confessed to today again.”

“Oh, really?” Jisung replies in a small voice. “What did you say this time?”

“I rejected them.”

“Oh, that’s too bad…” Jisung plainly says, sincerely emphasizing with the person, but he doesn’t let it show on his face. He lets out a small sigh. “Don't you feel bad for them?”

“I guess. But it isn’t my fault they ended up liking someone like me.” Renjun admits with an unreadable tone in his voice.

Jisung doesn’t respond and the two fall into a small silence.

“Do you have anyone you want to confess to Jisung?” Renjun suddenly asks as if he was holding in his breath.

“Yeah.” Jisung responds stoically, looking directly into the older boy’s wide eyes at his confident response. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think I’ll confess.”

“Why? Why don’t you try? You never know.”

“I don’t want to get my heart broken.”

The two exchange unreadable expressions. And the room falls into a dreadful silence. Jisung can’t stand unbearable silence before Renjun finally says something to crack the air.

“I’m graduating.”

“Yeah, _ I know, hyung_.” Jisung says harsher than he intends to. Jisung quickly picks up his phone and brings his attention back to his newly started game, doing everything he can in that moment to hold in his tears.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Renjun asks, voice quickly losing strength. 

“Congrats?”

Renjun scoffs.

The only sound the two hear is the background noise from Jisung’s phone and the harsh wind starting to blow outside the glass classroom windows. 

“Will you miss me?”

Jisung pauses the game and puts his phone down, visibly annoyed. He lets out a sigh before looking up. Jisung looks Renjun straight in the eyes, a serious, yet blank expression beginning to paint his face.

“Not really.” 

Jisung notices the hurt look on Renjun’s face, before it quickly turns into a nasty scowl. Renjun lets out another scoff before shaking his head. He harshly gets out of his seat with big motions before heading towards the classroom door. 

“Hyung-” Jisung begins. “Where are you going-”

Jisung gets up from his seat in an attempt to run after him, but he’s too late. Renjun slams the door shut behind him with a loud thud.

“I was just-” Jisung breathes out shakily. He slumps back down on his chair. “Joking…” 

_ Goddammit_. He really was the biggest idiot on planet earth.

_To: My Secret_

_ I don't know why you looked so mad today. Isn’t it me that’s supposed to be mad? _

_ I don’t think I'm over you. _

_ I take it back. I don't hate you. I don’t think I could ever really hate you. How can I hate you when you’re you? You make me crazy. I hate that. _

_ I don’t want you to graduate. _

_ I’ll miss you. _

_ Don’t go, hyung. Really. Don’t leave. Could you just stay? _

_ Don’t be mad. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m like this. _

_ Please don’t be mad. _

_From, _

_ Jisung _

✐

It was at age eighteen, when Park Jisung decided to let go of his first love.

“Are you sure you wanna go, Jisung?” 

“I mean what else am I supposed to do! He’s been calling me _ all _ night! And he’s been asking me to come since last week, Le! I can’t just _ ignore _ him!”

“Uh, yeah you can? Jisung, this is _ exactly _ what I said would happen. You even told me to snap you out of it if something like this happened! Listen to me you little shit!!!”

“Urgh!_ I don’t know!_” Jisung groans frustratedly, trying his best to pry Chenle’s harsh hands off of his shoulders. 

“Fuck it.” Jisung abruptly lets out. Chenle flinches at the sudden change of demeanor and tumbles back on to Jisung’s bed. Jisung harshly gets up from his chair and stands up, commotion and all.

“Fuck it! I’m gonna go. I’m gonna go! Who knows if this’ll be the last time I see him until god knows when, Le!”

All Chenle can seem to do in response is shake his head and sit down. “Your call, bud. Your motha fuckin’ call. Don’t come whining to me when something happens.”

Jisung quickly gets dressed and ruffles his hair in front of his hair before letting out another groan before heading out. 

Jisung breathlessly stops his tracks once he gets near the street of the address. He turns off his GPS and runs down the rest of the street. He finally gets to the restaurant Renjun invited him to for his graduation party.

_ God, did it have to be this place? _

The restaurant had a bad reputation for letting minors order drinks. Jisung shakes his head in disapproval before heading inside. He hope he wasn’t too late.

Jisung carefully and cautiously steps around flimsily, avoiding drunk people and stressed out waiters, all as he looks around for the familiar plop of brown hair.

_ There he was. _

Jisung finally finds Renjun. And to no surprise, he’s pissed off drunk.

“Jisung-ah!!!!” 

Jisung stops in place a few feet from the table. All eyes from the table all turned to him simultaneously. Renjun’s surrounded by three other guys. 

_ Oh, god. _

“Wah! Jisung-ah! I can’t believe you a-actually came!” Renjun slurs with his eyes half closed. 

_ Should he just leave? God, this was a mistake. _

Jisung’s face quickly distorts into disgust. He hated seeing him like that. All drunk and vulnerable. Next to who knows who. 

“I’m so happy you came!”

_ This was a mistake. _

Renjun continues to happily exclaim out towards Jisung as he tries to get out of his seat, before losing balance and clumsily falling against one of the guys next to him.

Renjun shakes his head with what looks like a scowl as he shoos away the hands grabbing onto him and finally after what seems like a good solid minute, makes his way towards a still and standing Jisung.

“You little rascal, why’d you come so late?” Renjun frowns as he stumbles closer to Jisung.

“God, hyung. How much did you drink?” Jisung disapprovingly grumbles out as the older gets nearer. 

“Aha, not that much.” Renjun lies. “I’m gonna be so sad…”

“Now that I won’t see your cute little face. Our little Jisungie…” Renjun suddenly whines as he makes a crying sad face. 

“Ah hyung. You’re being so extra.” Jisung annoyingly says as he shoos away Renjun’s hand that was desperately trying to hold onto the taller.

“You have to be good okay? Don’t be like me. Don’t ever be like hyung, okay? Don’t drink too much, okay?” Renjun starts whining out dramatically.

“Okay, okay, okay! God, hyung you fucking smell!” Jisung says as he avoids Renjun’s touchy hands completely. 

Renjun suddenly hops towards Jisung even closer and shoves his head into Jisung’s chest. Jisung’s too shocked to move. He stands there completely frozen at the warm touch against him before noticing a muffled sound coming from below him.

“Hyung. Hyung? Are you crying???” Jisung sputters out with a shocked look on his face. This is definitely not how he expected the night to go.

“What? Stop! No! Don’t cry! You’ll see me! I live right next to you, stupid!”

Renjun’s cries grow louder. “D-don’t call me stup-id, you stupid! I can only call you s-stupid, stupid!”

“Okay, okay, okay, I’m sorry! I won’t call you stupid anymore! Happy?” Jisung quickly responds as he pats Renjun’s back awkwardly. 

Renjun leans back before looking up at Jisung. His eyes were watery and snot was coming down his nose. His cheeks were tinted a dusty pink and his hair was everywhere. He looked like a total mess.

“Jisung, did you know…” Renjun softly begins while letting out another loud sniffle. “Did you know that-”

“Ah!” Jisung yelps out as he catches a stumbling Renjun by the waist. “Be careful, hyung!”

Renjun looks directly into Jisung’s eyes. He _ really _ looked like he had something to day. 

_ Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like that. _

Jisung gives him a confused puzzled look. 

_ Don’t make me anticipate anything. Please, don’t. _

Renjun opens his mouth then closes it. He opens his mouth again, but what comes out is definitely not what Jisung wanted. Or expected. _ At all. _

“_Ah, fuck._” Jisung sighs out as Renjun’s puke gets all over him and the younger boy as well.

The three friends watching afar from the table all simultaneously stand up in a hassle and quickly head towards Jisung to help with a wasted Renjun. 

“I told this fucker he was getting way too ahead of himself!” One of his friends sighs out. Jisung didn’t like how he referred to him as _ fucker_. But he was too occupied to say or think about it too long.

“Are you his younger brother?” One of Renjun’s other friend asks as they hand him a couple of napkins.

“Ah, no. I’m just his next door neighbor.” Jisung sighs out as he takes the napkins and begins to wipe the vomit off of Renjun’s face and shirt first. 

“Oh, Jisung?” The last voice asks.

“Huh? Yeah. That’s me. How did you-” Jisung says as he’s about to look up before Renjun starts making more puking noises against him. 

“Aish, _ hyung_.” 

The friend laughs. It was a deep laugh. He didn’t know if he liked it. 

“He talks about you a lot.” The same voice plainly says. 

“Wait, what? Me?” Jisung asks a bit shocked as he quickly grabs Renjun from falling down again. “Ah, _ hyung_, really, _ why are you like this!_”

“Can you take him home?” The same voice asks in a steady voice.

“Yeah. Of course.” Jisung sighs while shaking his head. He finally looks up at the said voice. He immediately recognizes him. It was that dusty blonde guy from the alleyway. His eyes shift down to the mole under his eye. He looked handsome. Jisung hated him already.

“Wait.” 

He had to ask. 

“Are you, by any chance, his...?”

“Yeah.” The older dusty blonde cuts him off as he nods his head nonchalantly while looking around, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear. 

Jisung bites his bottom lip as hard as he can take at the response. He had heard recently that Renjun was in a relationship. It wasn't public. At least that’s what Chenle told him. Chenle was right. 

“Listen, I’m sorry to ask you, but since you’re his neighbor and all. Do you think you could take him home?” 

“Yeah. Sure.” Jisung immediately responds with no strength in his voice while wiping off the last bits off of Renjun’s pants. 

“Sorry he got so wasted. He drank a lot today for some reason.” 

Jisung piggybacks Renjun and takes him home. The way home was sort of far, but he didn’t mind it if it meant he would be spending that time with him. But, he did have to admit, he was a little heavier than he expected. Jisung shifts Renjun up further on his back some more so he doesn’t fall. 

_ God, hyung. Why did I come? I should have listened to Chenle. _

Renjun mumbles something against Jisung. Jisung turns his head back to get an attempt to see if he was finally awake.

“Hyung. Are you finally awake?”

“-you miss me Jisung…”

“What? I can’t understand you, hyung.” Jisung frustratedly breathes out into the cool air.

“I said...won’t you miss me?” Renjun mumbles out a bit clearer this time.

Jisung shakes his head at the comment. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, hyung.” Jisung insists a bit sarcastically. 

Renjun leans his head further against Jisung’s shoulder. “I think I’ll miss you…”

_ Lies. _

“We’re still gonna be neighbors, hyung. Stop being so dramatic.” Jisung sighs while looking up at the clear night sky above them. 

“Thanks for coming, Jisung-ah.” Renjun hums.

“Whatever. I can’t believe how drunk you got. Your vomit got all over me, you know that?”

“Hyung is sorry.”

“For what?”

“For everything."

“Stop spitting out nonsense and just sleep. It’s tiring talking to you and holding you at the same time.”

“Why’d you get so mean to me lately?” Renjun whines as he lightly hits Jisung’s leg with his own. He tightens his grasp around Jisung’s neck and lets out an annoyed huff against the taller’s neck. Jisung breath hitches at the air against him, getting goosebumps at the sudden thought of their close proximity.

“I miss the old, Jisung.” 

Jisung gulps as he continues to walk down the road. He tries not to think about the fact that he’s literally holding Renjun right now. He tries not to think about how close they really are. Jisung is brought back to reality when he suddenly hears a familiar sniffling sound behind him again. 

“_Aish_. Not again.” Jisung whispers to himself. “Are you crying again, hyung?”

Renjun sniffles get louder and he begins to cry loudly. 

“Ahhh, don’t cry, hyung. _ Please! _ I-I’m sorry!” Jisung whines as he shifts Renjun up more so he wouldn’t slip down. 

“I-I’ll miss you hyung! I’ll miss you! Really! There! Happy?”

Jisung holds in his breath as he waits for a response. _ Anything_. He lets out the biggest breath of relief when he hears a small giggle against his neck.

_ God, the amount of power this small peanut had over him. _

“You’re really mean. You know that?” Renjun grumbles.

Jisung sighs in relief. “You’re evil. _ Really_, evil.”

Renjun giggles some more as he starts swinging his legs in the air. “Do you remember when you were nine?”

Jisung almost stops his tracks, _ almost_, before mentally telling himself to keep walking. 

Renjun lets out a genuine laugh at the old nostalgic memory into the air while looking up at the sky, “You asked me to marry you.”

Jisung bites his bottom lip again, a habit he created when he felt like the world was ending.

“You were so sad when I told you that that was for adults. You started crying.” Renjun shakes his head at how cute Jisung was while letting out another laugh. “I had to tell you that I would marry you when we got older.”

Jisung doesn’t say anything and just listens in silence as his heart throbs against his chest. There it was again. That feeling. That feeling he hated so much.

“You were so cute back then, Jisung-ah. I just wanted to bite your cheeks all the time!” Renjun coos as he pinches Jisung’s cheeks.

“Ah, gross.” Jisung hisses as he tries to avoid the harsh tugs.

“I wish I could go back to those times when I didn't have to think about anything. Those times when I didn’t have to care about anything..._worry _ about anything…” Renjun lets out a shaky sigh. He could feel Renjun tense up against him.

“Hyung.”

“Mm?”

“Congrats.” Jisung plainly says. “On graduating.”

“Yah, you little brat. All of the sudden? _ Now _ your telling me?”

“Hyung.”

“Mm?”

“You’re gonna do great in college.” Jisung plainly says. “So stop worrying.”

Renjun scoffs with a smirk. "Look at you, Park Jisung. Are you getting sentimental with me right now? Well if that isn't a first." 

“And stop drinking so much. I think you might really die. Your body is too small to handle it.”

“Yah!” Renjun kicks him again on his leg. 

“Hyung.”

“Mm?” Renjun hums while smiling.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

_ To: My Secret_

_ I was serious. When we promised. I was serious, hyung. _

_ I guess it wasn’t that serious to you. _

_ I think I have to let you go now. _

_ I can’t really take it anymore. _

_ I meant it. I meant it when I said you’ll do great in college. _

_ Just...don’t forget about me? Okay? Please? _

_ Can you just promise me that at least? _

_ From, _

_ Jisung _

✐

At age nineteen, Park Jisung realized he never really got over his first love.

It was finally Jisung’s last year in high school. He didn’t really know how to feel. He thinks his high school career was going by way faster than he expected. In the end, he had given up soccer. It really started to take up a lot of his time as the years passed by. It was a shame, because he loved it and he was good at it. Really good. But, he didn’t feel like pursuing it. Or maybe it was the people around him that persuaded him that. Jisung, thankfully, took that energy and time into studying instead. And he studied. Really hard. Even though he may have looked like a fluke on the outside that only knew how to play games all the time, he was actually pretty intelligent, and he studied his ass off. Day and night. 

Jisung’s on his way back home after a long night at his private tutoring lessons. It was almost past midnight. He hated that though. How most Korean students' lives was just school. School. Sleep. Eat. Repeat. And love on the side, if you were lucky enough.

But, he’d be taking the yearly exams soon, then he’d be graduating, then he’d be getting into colleges. He knew after all of it, after all the restless hours, all the allnighters, all the sleepless nights, it’d be worth it. At least he’d be far away from here. At least he could start fresh. 

Jisung finally arrives home after a long walk alone. He heads inside through the front gate and as he goes up his stairs to his front door to glances hesitantly to his left. The home was dark, as usual. And none of the lights were on, as usual.

He heard that Renjun’s parents had moved back to China. Maybe since Renjun was finally in college, they thought that they would just settle back to their hometown. But, the house was still theirs. Well, Renjun’s now. But he never really came home. Maybe once every few months. Probably just to check up on it. 

He thought he saw the light on a couple days ago, but he was always the kind to imagine things.

Jisung lets out a long heavy sigh before heading inside.

Jisung gets out of the shower and lets out a breath of relief. He finally felt human again. Showers were a magical thing, he deemed. Jisung plops himself on his bed and grabs his phone that was charging on his lampstand. 

His eyes bulge wide open as he reads the name flashing on the top of his lock screen. 

_ From: Injunnie hyung _

He quickly opens the talk and sees one new message.

_ Club 7. _

Jisung scratches his head at the message. _ Club 7? Wasn’t Club 7 that one really popular… _

Ding!

Another message.

_ Now. _

Jisung quickly locks his phone, grabs whatever’s on his chair, and gets dressed as fast as he can. He recognized the name of the club immediately. It was a really, if one of the only, popular gay clubs in their city. 

_ Why did he send him that text? Was he there? Was he back home? Did something happen? Most importantly, what was he doing at that club? _

Millions of questions flood through Jisung’s mind as he impatiently waits for the taxi to pull up. His leg won’t stop shaking. 

Right as he gets out of the taxi, he starts to run towards the entrance, but before he heads towards the end of the line, he hears a familiar voice in the distance. It sounded like a huge commotion and people on the streets were looking down the alleyway right next to the club. 

Jisung quickly jogs his way towards the commotion. 

“How many god damn times do I have to tell you I’m not fucking interested! God, you’re being a fucking asshole right now.” 

Jisung immediately recognizes Renjun and his brown tuft of hair. He has the biggest scowl on his face that screams he wants out and is trying to tug his arm away from a much older greasy as fuck looking guy. 

Jisung angrily stops in place and dramatically yells into the alleyway. “Hyung!!!!!!!”

Renjun head perks up at the familiar soft tone of voice and looks down the alleyway. “Jisung!” 

Jisung stomps his way down to the two guys. To be honest, even though he was putting up a good as fuck show on the outside, he was fucking scared out of his mind in the inside. That guy lowkey looked like a gangster. Jisung shakes off the useless thoughts and straightens his posture out as he nears the two. Thankfully, he was taller than him by an inch. 

“He said he wasn’t interested. So, can you please let go of him.” Jisung demands in a cool steady tone. 

The greasy guy scoffs at Jisung before scoffing at Renjun. “You really brought out a little middle schooler to save your ass, huh?”

The greasy guy spits next to Jisung’s shoes while scoffing. “Piss off, kid.” 

Renjun rolls his eyes and tries to brush the greasy guy’s arm off one last time. Renjun lets out a vocal whine when the grasp around his arm only tightens further.

“You’re hurting him! Let go you douche!” Jisung starts yelling as he shoves the greasy guy’s arm off of Renjun the best he can.

The greasy guy shoves Jisung back as the taller boy tries to pry his hand off. 

“Let go-” 

Right as those words come out of his mouth he’s met with a hard punch to his jaw. 

Jisung lets out a loud awful groan as he folds down to the pavement. “Ohhh my god.” 

“You little shit!” Renjun barks. “Jisung-ah!” 

Jisung immediately gets up, scutters backwards a bit, before running out of the alleyway in a hurry. 

Renjun’s face distorts into a confused and almost betrayed look. 

“What a puss.” The greasy guy smirks as he continues to tighten his grasp on Renjun, slyly walking closer to come. 

Renjun feels like crying and _ almost _ feels like giving up, when all of the sudden Jisung is sprinting back into the alleyway, a police officer in tow.

“Yes ahjussi! It’s him! It’s that greasy guy right there! He’s been molesting and harassing my underage minor friend!” Jisung quickly exclaims out in a single breath as he gets closer to the two in the middle of the alleyway.

“A-And he hit me as well! Me! An underage minor! As well!” Jisung recalls as he points to his bruising purple chin.

“Aish!” Is the only thing the greasy man has left to say before he starts running off down the other empty side of the alleyway, police officer in tow. 

It’s just the two of them now. Renjun lets out the biggest sigh of relief as he looks like he’s about to collapse onto the floor. Jisung, already calculating his motions, runs the rest of the way to him. He catches him just in time before he falls onto the hard pavement. 

“Hyung, you’re really really stupid, you know that?”

All Jisung gets in response is Renjun’s sniffles. 

Jisung squeezes Renjun’s shoulders as the older leans against him for support. 

Renjun hyung was always acting tough and bad on the outside, but in reality, he was just like any other kid he knew. Lost. And doing their best to hide that. 

Jisung takes his jacket off and wraps it around his awfully smaller looking hyung. 

“Let’s go home.”

The two are on the swings at the park right across their neighborhood. Now that Jisung thought about it, it was the same park where they made their marriage promise when they were younger. 

The two sit in silence for a while, just gently swinging back and forth on the swings next to each other. The park was dead quiet minus the sound of grasshoppers chirping around them. It was relaxing. 

Jisung glances towards Renjun to get a better look at him. He hadn’t properly seen him in so long. _ So _ long_. _ He’d seen him a couple of times throughout the past year in front of his house during the breaks, but not like this. Not this close. It felt like forever. 

The last time he looked at him this closely was when Jisung was still a first year. When Renjun was a graduated senior. He can’t really believe how much time has past since then.

So much time had passed since the last letter he wrote to him. Since the last time he properly opened his diary…

The last time he looked at him this closely was when he was still head over heels for him. 

He feels like nothing’s really changed.

Jisung’s eyes are locked on Renjun. He looks so different. Not his eyes, or his boopable nose, or his lips. _ Definitely not his lips_. But, he definitely visibly lost more weight. Jisung didn’t like that. His face was less plump than before. Jisung didn’t like that either. And his hair was a mess. Jisung didn’t really mind that, actually. He looked cute. Still as youthful as ever. But, _ different_. 

“Did you know him?” Jisung asks cautiously. 

“The guy? No. A complete stranger.” Renjun regretfully shares as he shakes his head in embarrassment. “He was just a guy I met there earlier for a second. It was my fault anyways. I was being too nice to him.” 

Renjun lets out a deep long sigh as he kicks the sand on the ground below him with the tip of his shoe.

“Are you sure you’re okay, hyung?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you sure _ you’re _ okay?” Renjun gears his concern towards the small bruising purple spot on his chin. 

“Yeah. It’s nothing.” Jisung nonchalantly brushes off.

“Thanks for coming again. I-I didn’t know who else to ask...I don’t really know anyone else in the neighborhood now...” 

Jisung nods his head at the reasonable response and kicks the sand on the ground below him too.

“What are you doing in the neighborhood, hyung? Aren’t you supposed to be in school right now?” 

“Oh, um...yeah, that. Right.” 

There’s a long silence. Jisung looks up to check on Renjun when he feels the air around them get questionable. 

“I dropped out of college.”

Jisung’s eyebrows quirk up at the sudden confession. 

Renjun quickly lets out an uneasy laugh at the lack of response. “I know, I know. A college drop out. Embarrassing, right?”

Before Jisung can even try to retaliate at that comment, Renjun beats him to it. 

“Don’t tell your mom, please. She probably wouldn’t let you see me for the rest of your life if she _ ever _ found out.” 

Jisung’s eyes widen instantly like saucers at the statement. 

_ For the rest of his life? _

Jisung shakes his head to the point he almost gets a headache. 

“I won’t tell her. I will _ never _ tell her.” Jisung hisses out, hating every single aspect of that idea. 

Renjun lets out a small chuckle at his cute reaction.

“Could I ask why? Why you did it?” 

_Is everything okay?_ _He really wanted to ask. _

“I don't know.” Renjun sighs while looking up at the starry sky, half covered by the branches from the large trees surrounding them. “Maybe when you’re my age, you’ll understand.”

“Hyung, I’m literally only two years younger than you.”

Renjun lets out a hefty laugh and leans over to pinch Jisung’s cheeks, like he always did.

Jisung scowls his usual scowl as he shoves Renjun’s hand away. “Have you been in town for a while then?” 

“No, just since last week.” 

“Are you...eating well?”

Renjun laughs. “Yeah, I am. Thanks.”

“I’m gonna be in town for a bit, actually.” 

“Really?” 

“Mhm.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know yet.” 

“Until, February?"

"Maybe.” 

“Can you come to my graduation then?”

“I'll try.” 

“You promise?”

“Promise to try? Or promise I’ll go?”

Jisung death glares Renjun.

“Okay, okay. I promise I’ll go.”

Jisung smiles.

Renjun cracks a smile at the younger beside him, before stopping his swing completely and shaking his head in sudden disbelief. “Wow. I can’t believe you’re actually already graduating high school.” 

Jisung looks at Renjun again. His eyes unconsciously makes its way down to his pink lips. He suddenly can’t take his eyes off of them. And how they continue to move after each word that comes out. It was hypnotizing. His eyes makes its way to his eyes now. He can’t believe that those were his real human eyes. It looked like a galaxy was inside those eyes. It was hypnotizing. He finally rips his gaze away from Renjun. He cowers his head down and shakes it slightly to himself. 

_ Say it. Say it. Say it. _

“I feel old.” Renjun finishes.

_ Just say it, Park Jisung. What do you have to lose? _

“Y-you look really pretty today.” Jisung blurts out, his words tumbling against each other, the mood completely changing three-hundred and sixty degrees. 

“_What?_” Renjun sharply lets out confusedly.

“You look really pretty today.” Jisung confidently repeats, unable to look Renjun directly in his eyes. 

“Pretty?” Renjun repeats slowly, not really able to tell what was really behind his tone of voice. 

Jisung nods his head shyly in confirmation.

Renjun suddenly lets out a loud belly full laugh. He continues to laugh as he holds on to his stomach for more effect. He dramatically wipes his nonexistent tear from his eyes. 

“Ah, Park Jisung. You’re the best. I haven’t laughed like this in so long.” 

Jisung whips his head towards Renjun. He hadn’t seen him laugh like this in _ years_. Jisung’s ears are bright red. And he can’t stop smiling.

Honestly, he wants to die on the spot right then and there from the embarrassment, but he doesn’t regret saying it. He doesn’t regret it one bit if it meant he got to see him laugh like this.

_ To: My Secret_

_ Hyung, am I selfish to say I want you again? _

_ Am I crazy to say I don’t mind those feelings again, if it means you’ll be beside me? _

_ It still feels like a dream you’re back. Are you really gonna stay? _

_ Sometimes I can’t trust you. And your promises anymore... _

_But, I think I’m gonna be selfish once in my life. And just ignore all of that. Ignore it all._

_ You know, I couldn’t believe my eyes when you sent me those messages, let alone when I saw you today. _

_ You really did look pretty today. Just like you always are. _

_ I think you really are from another planet. _

_ Can you take me there too? _

_ From, _

_ Jisung _

✐

At age twenty, Jisung had his first kiss.

Ever since the night after the club, the two had been stuck together like glue. It had been a month or two since that day. Since that day, Renjun started to become a constant in Jisung’s life. After the club incident, Renjun really stuck to his word and really did stay back home in their hometown. The older boy got a job quickly at a nearby cafe close in the city, and even though Renjun didn’t necessarily have that much free time, he started strangely making it for the younger. 

Now that Jisung’s yearly exam was over with, and he was nearing his graduation, he discovered that he had a lot more free time too. 

The past few months had felt like a dream. He was scared every night before he slept that he’d wake up from it any second. Sometimes he would have to pinch himself to make sure that his Renjun hyung was really beside him. 

But, lately...as Renjun started to become more and more constant in his life, he started noticing things. And he started to question things. It was confusing. He didn’t really understand it all.

Some days, Renjun would be over the moon and shower him with love and affection. And truth be told, sometimes, _ sometimes_, Jisung almost felt like it was real. 

Renjun made him feel like he really was special.

But, other times…

Renjun would just completely ignore him for days straight. Without any way to reach him. Jisung would freak out each and every time. Questioning if he did something wrong. Questioning if he _ said _ something wrong. Questioning if he was hurt. If something had happened. If he was alright. If he was safe. 

Whenever he got a response, or whenever he finally got to see him, Jisung would thank the heavens and finally be able to breathe. But, Jisung hated feeling this way... 

He hated not knowing which Renjun hyung to expect. 

He hated questioning what _ this_, even was. 

He was getting tired of it. But, he knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. He was too distracted to do anything about it. 

“Are you free this weekend?” 

“Eh? Me?”

“Who else you buffoon? Yes, you!”

Jisung looks around and realizes dumbfoundedly that they were the only two people on the the street. “Oh, right. Yeah. Me. Why?”

“I’ve been wanting to watch this new movie. But it’s a horror movie. And...as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m scared. Let’s go together tomorrow.” 

Jisung scratches his head shyly while clearing out his throat. “Y-yeah. I’d be down.”

Renjun beams a smile up at Jisung and lets out an excited laugh. “Then tomorrow.”

Jisung nods his head as he laughs along with him. “Tomorrow.” 

The next night Jisung already begins to get ready _ hours _ before the movie time. _ Typical_. He nervously tries out all his clothes in his closet, before finally deciding on the outfit he always wears. He even puts on cologne for the first time in awhile. Who in the world was he? 

_ Oh, the amount of power this small peanut had over him. _

Jisung smiles into his wall mirror before patting his shoulder. He even admitted it to himself, he looked _ good_. 

Jisung plops down on his bed to check his messages when all of the sudden he gets a message in that moment from the person he’d been waiting for all day. 

_ I’m really sorry Jisung. Don’t think I can make it tonight. Don’t wait up for me. _

Jisung lets out a disappointed sigh. He wasn’t even that shocked, to be honest. He didn’t want to admit it, but this was something that happened often. The amount of times Park Jisung got stood up by a guy named Huang Renjun, was _ definitely _ not good for his weak heart.

Not wanting to think much on it, Jisung quickly falls asleep in that position on his bed. 

Jisung scrambles up at his loud ringtone blaring in his ears. It was pitch black in his room. He must have slept through the night. He focuses his attention back to his phone and tries to quickly answer the call, but misses it by a second. 

A second later, he hears loud bangs coming outside from his window. Jisung’s nose scrunches at the commotion and quickly subconsciously puzzles the pieces together. Not completely sure what his body was telling him to do, but just going with it, he grabs his jacket from his desk with his eyes half opened and heads downstairs. 

Jisung yawns and stumbles down the stairs in a hazy manner. He quickly trods out his front door and heads towards the front gate. 

The banging is continuous. Jisung huffs at the loud commotion from behind before opening the heavy gate door. 

“_Hyung? _ What the hell are you doing here at this hour?”

Renjun just stares at Jisung for a whole long ass minute. Jisung’s hair was a complete mess. It was sticking out in all different directions, his eyes were half open, as if he had just woken up from a nap, and he was wearing only one slipper. 

Renjun just wanted to kiss him right then and there. And so, he did.

Renjun leans up, tip toeing cause of their embarrassing height difference, and places his lips directly on top of Jisung’s without much hesitation.

Jisung’s eyes immediately fly open. He was awake. He was _ definitely _ awake now.

But, more importantly, _ what the fuck had just happened? _

_ Was he drunk? Was he out of his mind? Was this a dream?_

“_H-hyung! _ W-what the hell? What was that?” Jisung shrieks out as he brings his fingers up to touch his upper lip. There was a sudden weird tingling sensation forming on them that he’d never felt before. 

“I...” Renjun starts as he’s already stepping back.

“Y-you...t-that…” Jisung stutters. “T-that was my first kiss, hyung!” 

“Holy shit, _ what? _ Are you fucking serious?” Renjun yelps out loudly. 

Renjun looks like he made the biggest fucking mistake of his life.

“Oh god. I’m fucking awful. I’m a monster, really. I just stole your first kiss without even asking you. Okay. Okay! Well. Yeah. Okay. I’m gonna just...go now.” Is all Renjun says in complete and utter embarrassment before he’s running off to his home next door. 

A dazed Jisung watches Renjun disappear in a matter of seconds. He’s still in the same position, touching his lips, completely just frozen on the spot. His fingers flutter over his lips. It felt so soft. 

_ Damn. _So Huang Renjun had really just stolen his first kiss. He sort of wanted to be the one to kiss him first. He felt cheated.

Jisung sprints back up to his room while clumsily trying to pick up his phone with difficulty. 

_ What the fuck just happened. What the fuck just happened. _

Jisung immediately opens up his message chat room with Renjun as his fingers start to fly against his keyboard. 

_ Hyung, what was that? _

_ Hyung. Can you please call me? _

_ I’m just...really confused right now. So I'd really appreciate it if you could call me. Or text me back. Anything. _

_ Hyung, are you getting my messages? _

Jisung continues to bore his eyes into the screen. He waits for what feels like hours until the little yellow one next to his messages finally start to disappear. 

Renjun finally texts back.

_ I'm gonna be out of town for awhile. My phone might not be able to work. So, don’t wait up on me. _

Jisung’s face distorts into complete confusion, quickly turning into a scowl in a matter of seconds. He lets out a frustrated groan. Jisung angrily swipes his phone as he pulls up his phone keypad. He dials a number he’s memorized by heart now.

_The person you are trying to reach is not available right now. Please leave a message after the tone._

He shakes his head and sits there, just heavily breathing through his nose, chest rising up and down in unsteady rhythms. He throws his phone across the room.

_ To: My Secret_

_Hyung, why did you kiss me? Aren’t I supposed to feel good? Why do I feel angry though? _

_ Hyung...why does it feel like you’re on a different planet lately? Even though we live right next to each other, I feel like it’s hard to reach you sometimes. _

_ Where are you going? Where have you been lately? Where do you disappear off to? When are you coming back? What aren’t you telling me? Is there a way I can help? _

_ Is there a way you can make me understand? _

_ I feel like lately all I’ve been doing is waiting for you. Waiting for you to come home from that strange planet of yours. _

_I hope you’re sleeping well there._

_ Goodnight, hyung. _

_From, _

_ Jisung_

✐

At age twenty, Jisung got his heart broken. 

Ever since that stupid kiss Jisung had been really out of it. Renjun hadn’t answered his messages or calls for what felt like over a week now. He was used to it. But, for some reason, it hurt more this time. He hadn’t seen him anywhere in the neighborhood either, so Jisung convinces himself that he really must have been out of town for something.

Jisung is walking back home after his late private lessons again. It was almost midnight, almost, but not quite, and he felt like his body was giving up on him. Honestly, he could stop going to the lessons, but his mom insisted he finished his last few months strong. He got accepted to the college he wanted. Everything was almost set. He’d be leaving a couple weeks right after graduation to go to the city to start finding a place. Everything felt like it was moving by so fast. Everything, except one thing. One person. He was always stuck when it came to him.

Jisung continues down the street, both hands in his pockets to keep them warm from the sharp cool air around him, with his earphones blasting out his favorite song, per usual. Jisung looks up when he feels like he’s almost near his front gate door.

Jisung’s breath hitches. It was Renjun hyung. He was shutting his own front gate door behind him. 

“Injunnie hyung!” Jisung shouts. He trods towards the smaller wide doe eyed hyung. 

Jisung halts when he’s right in front of him. He watches his cool breath visibly leave his mouth against the cold winter air. 

“Why didn’t you pick up? Where were you? Are you okay? Did something happen?” Jisung blurts out in one single breath, unable to hold it all in. 

Renjun looks noticeably agitated. “I’m fine, Jisung. I thought I told you then not to wait for me.”

“I-” Jisung tries.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go somewhere right now. I’m sort of busy.” The older boy sighs as he shoves his phone in his jacket pocket when it starts vibrating nonstop. He already begins to walk down the road, away from their houses and away from Jisung. 

“Wait, hyung!” Jisung immediately turns around. “Is something up, really?”

Renjun turns around only halfway. He shakes his head while slightly rolling his eyes. “No, it’s fine. I’ll see you later. I just have to go somewhere right now, Jisung, okay?”

Renjun turns back around and starts to walk down the road again. Jisung opens his mouth before closing it, watching Renjun walk further and further away. It only takes Jisung a few strides to catch up to him.

Jisung grabs on to Renjun’s arm. “Can you at least-”

“Jisung, I don't have time to-” 

“Can you at least tell me what it meant? _ Please?_”

Renjun gives Jisung a confused look, eyebrows knit together. “What?” 

_ Did he already forget? _

Jisung’s grasp falters a bit. Renjun suddenly makes a face. Then he starts to shake his head.

_ Jisung suddenly wished he hadn’t asked. _

“It was a mistake, Jisung.” 

_ It was a mistake_.

“Stop overthinking it, okay?” Renjun says as he lightly pushes Jisung’s hand off of his arm. “I have to go now.”

“_Where?_” Jisung angrily hisses out. “_Where _ are you always going?”

Renjun rolls his eyes at the younger boy’s sudden change in attitude. “God, you sound like my fucking mom.”

Jisung’s voice gets louder, undeniably upset and hurt. “You’re never home! You said you would be home now, but you’re never home! You’re a liar...” 

“Cause this isn’t my home, Jisung! God, it never fucking was!” Renjun raises his voice too.

_ What did he even mean...he couldn’t understand him. He never did. _

“What do you mean?” Jisung annoyingly breathes with a scowl on his face. 

Renjun scoffs. “You won’t understand anyways.”

“You’re being unfair.” Jisung quietly says, voice finally cracking.

“Well, you’re acting like a fucking child.”

Jisung clearly looks hurt. And Renjun almost looks like he regrets it. Almost. 

“I have to go.” 

Jisung holds on to Renjun’s fleeing arm again. “W-wait, hyung.” 

“_What?_” Renjun sharply retorts back. 

_ He wanted to tell him it was his birthday tomorrow. Did he even remember? Did he even care?_

“My graduation. It’s in two weeks.”

“Yeah, I know.” 

“And?” There was a sudden sound of desperation behind Jisung’s words. 

“Congratulations?” 

Jisung shoves Renjun’s arm away harshly. “You’re the fucking worst.”

All Renjun does in response is scoff before heading back down the road, until he’s completely out of sight. 

Jisung bites his bottom lip as hard as he can. 

_ To: My Secret _

_So this is what it feels like. I thought I had felt it back then. Back then when I saw you in the alleyway. But...I was wrong. I was so wrong. _

_I never ever ever want to ever feel this way ever again._

_ I can’t stop crying. _

_ It’s my birthday today. _

_ You’re really the worst. _

_ From, _

_ Jisung_

✐

It was at age twenty, when Park Jisung ran out of paper in his diary.

Jisung lets out a frustrated sigh. It’s been almost a full three weeks since he’s heard back from Renjun. Since he broke his heart. Since he saw him disappear from the street that night. Since he left. No calls back. No texts back. No lights on. _ Nothing_. No sign of him. Anywhere. Poof. 

He _ promised _ that he would come to his graduation, but he didn’t show up. _ He fucking promised_. 

But what did he even expect?

Not only was he fucking worried out of his mind, but he legit didn’t think his heart could handle it anymore. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had enough of all the bullshit he’s put him through.

Jisung had to find him. It was time. He had to tell him. And just rip the band-aid off while he could. It was messing him up. It was messing everything up. 

_ The person you are trying to reach is not available right now. Please leave a message after the tone. _

“Hyung, where are you right now? God. Please.”

Jisung hangs up the phone.

He calls again. 

_ The person you are trying to reach is not available right now. Please leave a message after the tone. _

“Hyung. Do you know it was my graduation last week? You said..._god_. You fucking _ said _ you would come!” Jisung yells into the speaker before hanging up again. 

_ The person you are trying to reach is not available right now. Please leave a message after the tone. _

“I’m sorry. Can you just please call me?” Jisung brokenly whispers into the phone. “_Please_.”

Jisung wipes the escaping tears from his eyes with the paw of his sweater. He needed air. He runs out of his room down the stairs. He makes a groaning sound when he hits his body against something. 

“Where do you think you’re going, mister?” 

“I-I was just gonna go out the convenience store out front...” 

“Hey, hey, hey.” His mom coos out worriedly when she notices his red eyes. She wipes the remaining falling tears from his soft cheeks. “Why are you crying, my little baby?” 

Jisung bites his bottom lip as hard as he can. He tries to hold it in. But he breaks. Jisung starts to cry. His mom quickly hushes him as she brings him in for a tight warm hug. She was much shorter than him, so the hug was always a bit uncomfortable, but it didn’t matter. 

“What’s wrong, baby? Who made you cry?”

“Mom…” Jisung sobs into her shoulder with continuous soft whines. 

Little Jisung is all snug and tucked against his mom on their living room couch. His breaths are steady for the first time in a while. He feels like he could fall asleep any minute now. 

“What happened?” His mom asks in a soft soothing voice. 

“I think...I’m in a one-sided love. And I don’t know how to get out.”

His mom chuckles at his cute small response. “Was that why all this time in high school, you’ve been a little rascal?”

“I got into the college you wanted, didn’t I mom? Why are you being like this?” Jisung jokes with a disappointed frown.

She smiles down at him. “Do you really like this person _ that _ much?”

Jisung nods his head as he wipes the snot with the paw of his sweater.

“Do you cry more when you think of them? Or do you smile more?”

“Huh?”

“I’m saying...does this person give you more happy memories or sad memories?” His mom repeats in an easier way to understand. 

_ Now that Jisung thought about it...most of his memories when he thought about Renjun...hurt. _

“I…” Jisung is left speechless as he continues to think on his mother’s words. 

“I don’t want to see you cry like this, sweetie. You deserve someone who loves you. _ Unconditionally_. Don’t be chasing after someone who can’t see what you’re worth. You are more than that.” 

His mother quickly shoos him upstairs afterwards, pestering him to clean out the rest of his room, reminding him that the trash man would be here soon. Jisung goes back up to his room slowly after a long, lengthy, and helpful conversation with his mom. His face is covered in all sorts of emotions ranging from confusion, fear, and realization as he reaches his door. 

_ Don’t be chasing after someone who can’t see what you’re worth. You are more than that. _

Jisung feels like ripping his hair out. He bites the bottom of his lip as hard as he can as he nears his desk. The realization of what he’s about to do looms over him as he takes out his diary from his drawer with two shaky hands. 

_ To: My Secret _

_ I still love you. I think I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t. _

_ Do you know that you were all I could think about during my graduation? It was supposed to be an exciting day with my friends and classmates. But all I could think about was you. You didn’t even show up. That really hurt. _

_Do you know the day you told me that the kiss was a mistake, my heart felt like it was shattering? I never felt anything like that before. I’m still scared when I think back to that day. Did you know that it was my birthday? You didn’t even remember. That really hurt. _

_ Do you know that the day you stole my first kiss you just left me waiting for you for an entire whole week with no explanation? I thought something had happened. Do you know how much I worry over you? You never notice. And that really hurts._

_Do you know that you make so many promises? But you never keep any of them? It always hurts when you break them. Every single time. _

_ Now that I think about it. You’re really selfish, hyung. Did you, even for a second, ever think about me? What am I to you? Am I even anything? Am I just a toy to you? _

_ It hurts when I ask myself that question. _

_ I never thought about this. It never crossed my mind. It was you, or nothing. Always. _

_ But… _

_ But I think it’s time to really let you go now. _

_ I think my mom’s right. I think I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally. I think I have to stop chasing you, hyung. _

_ I still love you. But I think it’s time I stopped now. I don’t think I can do this anymore. _

_ Bye, My First. _

_ From, _

_ Jisung _

✐

Park Jisung puts his pen down. He flips the page only to see the back cover of the old diary. He’s finally run out of paper.

He lets out a long defeated sigh and leans back into his chair. He looks around his room. He spent all weekend trying to clean it out. It was almost empty. His mom made him throw out all his old stuff and made him donate a lot of his things since he was going to be leaving for college soon. 

He feels empty. 

Jisung opens his drawer and pulls out a crumpled up folded piece of paper. He opens it up. It was the first letter he had ever wrote to him. The first promise. He wrinkles it out a bit more before placing it on one of the pages of the diary on his desk. He closes the diary shut for the last time. 

Jisung hesitantly takes his phone out. He knew it was useless. But, it was sort of like his last goodbye. At least, that’s what he tried to tell himself. One last try. His last string. 

Jisung dials the number into his phone. He brings his phone up to his ear. The familiar sound of the ring buzzes against his ear. He’s about to hang up when he feels like it’s no use when all of the sudden the call goes through.

He doesn’t hear anything on the other line, but a faint sound of breathing.

He immediately hangs up.

Jisung’s heart is pacing at an abnormal speed. He shakes his head. 

_No, no, no. No, Park Jisung. No._

_ Go. Now. Do it. Just go trash it. And get it over with. It’s over. _

Jisung mentally slaps himself into reality and grabs the diary on the desk harshly while grabbing the full trash bag next to the foot of his bed before heading downstairs. 

“Mom, do you have any other trash left?” Jisung yells as he opens the front door. His mom yells back to hurry and go trash his own first. Jisung shakes his head at his consistent nagging mother before he heads down the stairs to take his trash out to his front gate. 

Jisung continues to groan and whine as he opens his front gate door with no strength. 

“Hyung?”

Its Renjun. He’s just standing there. In front of his gate. His eyes are open wide, as if Jisung was an alien from another planet.

“I didn’t think you’d actually…”

“What are you doing here?” Jisung sharply says, the anger from the last time he’d seen him beginning to boil in the back of his throat. 

“I went to China. For three weeks.” Renjun quietly says. “I’m sorry I missed your graduation.”

“I-I didn’t mean to...I just really forgot.” Renjun breathes out softly while his hands are clasped together nervously.

Jisung scoffs and shakes his head. “Whatever.” 

Jisung tries to move past Renjun as he walks over to his trash bin. Renjun reaches out to hold Jisung’s arm.

“Wait, Jisung, I really am-”

Jisung doesn’t let him finish. He shrugs his hands off of him in an annoyed manner. Jisung shakes his head in disbelief as he glares at Renjun. He couldn’t believe him right now.

_ Did he even realize how worried he was these past three weeks? Did he even realize how much he made him cry? Did he even realize the amount of power he actually had over him? Did he_? 

Jisung thought he could do it. He kept telling himself don’t blow up. Don’t blow up. Right as he saw Renjun outside his door. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. Jisung finally breaks. 

“You know?” Jisung starts as he shakes his head. “I wasn’t gonna tell you this, hyung. I really wasn’t going to. But I think I’d feel like the biggest stupidest fucking idiot if I didn’t.” 

Renjun takes a step back. Jisung suddenly looked a lot older than Renjun remembered him to be.

“Hyung. I like you. A lot.” Jisung finally confesses. “I’ve liked you since-”

“Jisung…” 

“Wait. Can you please just listen?”

Renjun falls into immediate silence.

“I’ve liked you since… I don’t know. Forever?”

“And I-” Jisung lets out a shaky breath.

“Jisung, I know.” Renjun barges eagerly. 

“Know what? You know what?” 

“You think I’ve _ never _ noticed your big fat crush on me?” Renjun asks with an innocent look on his face. 

He was completely clueless, this hyung. He knew nothing. Ha...Jisung felt like an idiot.

Jisung still has a completely serious and stoic look on his face. “No, hyung. _ You don’t get it.” _

Jisung shakes his head. “It’s not a crush…” He whispers to himself. 

Renjun leans in, unable to hear his small words, confusion beginning to paint his face. 

“It’s not a crush.” Jisung says louder in a frustrated tone. “It was never just a crush to me.”

Renjun looks completely confused and a little hurt. 

“I have! Urgh!” Jisung leans his head back in frustration while he starts to pull his hair with both of his hands. “I have fucking, _ huge, _ fucking ass feelings for you, hyung!” 

“God.” Jisung lets out the biggest breath of relief. “There, I said it. Okay?”

Renjun opens his mouth, but immediately closes it in response. His face was just blank. 

“Before you say anything…or ask anything. It was when I was nine. When you agreed to marry me.”

“But it was really when I was fifteen I think.” Jisung laughs in disbelief at the old memory. He wipes some remaining snot off of his nose with his sweater. 

“I grew up loving you, and you didn’t even realize it. Not even once. Ha…” Jisung feels like there really is nothing left to lose at this point. 

“You know, you really hurt me. Do you...do you even know how many days I waited-”

Jisung doesn’t even want to finish that sentence.

“All these promises? Why did you make them if you weren’t even going to-” Jisung sighs again in frustration and stomps his foot against the pavement. 

_ Why did you even make them if you weren't going to keep them? _

The two fall into a dreadful silence. 

“You were my first love. I guess you still are. But…” Jisung shakes his head and swallows his pride. 

“You know what, here. Just take it.” He quickly says in a single breath as he roughly shoves the diary into Renjun’s arms. He was going to trash it anyways. Renjun looks down at the old thick diary in his hands that had crumbled up pages sticking out from everywhere. 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Jisung voice falters and grows smaller by each word.

_I think I have to let you go now._

Jisung turns around to his gate before slamming his door shut with a loud thud behind him. 

_ “Jisung! Wait!” _

✐

_ Ring. Ring. Ring. _

Jisung takes out his phone from his sweats. 

_10 missed calls from Injunnie Hyung._

Jisung lets out a sigh as he exits the convenience store and heads down towards the way home.

_ Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up. _

He picks up.

“Where are you right now?”

“Hyung, you need to stop calling me. I can’t do this anymore. Okay?”

“Park Ji-”

He hangs up. 

Jisung shoves the rest of the change into his pocket and continues to walk the rest of his way home. 

He wasn't really sure if he had made the right decision or not. Spilling all his guts out like that to him out of the blue. But, he knew if he didn't do it then and there, that he would have kept it to himself for the rest of his life. He didn't particularly feel relieved. But, he didn't particularly feel regretful. Just empty. And hollow. And lost. Nothing had really changed from before.

It was harder ignoring Renjun, actually. He knew he was being unfair. Not really giving him a chance to tell him what he thought. Not giving him time. But he needed space. He needed to finally breathe. He needed to. But the strange thing was, that he still felt just as suffocated as before. 

Jisung is home in no time and beelines straight to his door while looking down at the floor. He's about to open the front gate with his empty hand when all of the sudden something,_ or someone_, crashes into him, making him smash into the metal door.

“OW!” Jisung yelps. He lets out a groan and turns around to see one small very very very angry looking Renjun hyung pushed against him and the door. 

“Do you know-” Renjun harshly breathes out. “How many times-” Another sharp breath. “I called you, stupid!”

“You didn’t even give me a chance, you idiot!” Renjun yells into his face. 

Jisung whimpers against the door as Renjun pushes him further against the door. If someone were to have walked in on them, this would have _definitely_ looked like a bullying incident…

“How can you say you love someone! Hand them your life diary! Then fucking go off on your own without a fucking answer! Are you an idiot?” 

_ Jisung mentally laughs to himself. That sounded pretty much like his entire life. _

“Hyung, stop. I don’t want to talk to you.” Jisung seriously responds, trying his best to pry the smaller older boy off of him. 

“Yah!” Renjun tries to stop him and they begin to start this weird kid like fight. 

“I’m serious, hyung! _Stop!_ Stop fooling around! I’m done with this! I’m leaving.” Jisung pushes Renjun off of him harsher than he intends to.

Renjun stumbles back, but immediately catches himself. 

Jisung wants to apologize for the harsh push, but he knows if he does, he might fall into his trap and start apologizing for everything. He quickly turns around and tries to open his gate as fast as he can. 

Renjun lets out a frustrated groan before straightening his posture. 

“Yah! Park Jisung!” Renjun yells so loudly that he feels like the planet next door could hear.

“_Hyung!_” Jisung shyly turns back around, embarrassed as fuck.

Right as he does, Renjun stomps up to him. He pauses right in front of the taller boy and looks up with the same scowl as before. Jisung can visibly see Renjun gulp. 

The smaller, but older boy leans up, tip toeing cause of their embarrassing height difference, and places his lips directly on top of Jisung’s without much hesitation. 

“Hyung-” Jisung breathes out when Renjun leans away.

“It wasn’t a mistake.” Renjun rushes out in a hurried manner. 

“What?” 

“The kiss. It wasn’t a mistake. The kiss I stole from you back then. And now.” 

“It wasn’t a mistake.” Renjun repeats with look of fierce desperation in his eyes. 

Jisung brings his fingers up to touch his lips. There was a sudden weird tingling sensation forming on them. Just like the first time. 

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I mean it.” Renjun wants to repeat it a million times more. “I’m sorry for being an asshole.”

“I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for no explanation, I’m sorry. I know I don't deserve you. Or your time. But, please just hear me out okay?” 

Jisung nods his head slowly.

“I didn’t mean to forget your graduation. I didn't mean to disappear, okay? And, I didn't mean to drop out of college. I didn't _ mean _ to break all these promises. I didn't...I didn't mean to realize everything so late.” Renjun voice shakes as he tries to continue on. 

“I’m just...sometimes I-” 

“I don’t know what the hell I'm doing, okay? And that’s the truth.” Renjun finishes, voice broken and almost gone, but nevertheless, there.

Renjun starts to tear up and he lets out an embarrassed laugh. “I don't know what the hell I’m doing.”

“But-” Renjun lets out a hiccup. He shakes his head and composes himself. He looks directly at an awestruck Jisung. 

“I guess, when I’m with you, I feel okay. I feel like...I feel like the careless kid I was when I was eleven.” He laughs out slightly like a maniac. But, a cute maniac, nonetheless.

“Hyung...” Jisung reaches out and holds on to Renjun’s shaking hands.

“But I think I took advantage of that.” Renjun nods at his own words. “So I guess what I'm really trying to say is…”

Renjun breathes in a deep breath before breathing it out slowly, his nerves everywhere. “God…you know for someone who’s gotten over like a hundred confessions…”

“I can't believe I’m doing this right now…” Renjun mumbles to himself in embarrassment, face dusted a pink red. 

“I really like you, Jisung.” 

Jisung unawarely lets go Renjun’s hands in shock. Renjun immediately grabs them back into his. 

“A lot.” Renjun confidently says. A smile starts to creep up on his face. “I don’t know since when. Maybe it was the day you picked me up from that club and you called me pretty. Or maybe it was the day you spontaneously asked me to marry you when you were nine.” Renjun lets out a gorgeous laugh at the kind memory. 

“Or maybe it was the day when you gave me your umbrella when it was pouring after school, when we could’ve just gone together.” Renjun laughs again at the silly memory. “Or maybe it was the day I stole your first kiss from you.”

“I don’t know, really.”

Renjun pauses.

“Or maybe it’s right now. But, I like you Park Jisung. I know that for sure. I know I’m selfish. And...I'm sorry I only had the courage to say and realize it all just now.”

Renjun lets out a shaky breath. “I just always thought…” 

“I just always thought it was…” 

“Impossible?”

“Yeah. Impossible.” Renjun repeats.

“Why?” 

Renjun thinks to himself for a minute, hesitating in his own thoughts. He looks up at Jisung. _Because you're you and I'm me._

“Because you’re...you’re nine year old...innocent, naive Jisung. Who I don’t want to taint.

And I’m-”

“I’m fucked up, messed up, college dropout, Huang Renjun, who doesn't know what the _ hell _ he’s doing in life.” Renjun bitterly admits.

“Woah, woah, woah. _ No, _hyung.”

Jisung finally gets it. It finally clicks.

Jisung brings Renjun closer to him by the waist. He tightens his grip. “Just_, no.” _

Renjun looks defeated and confused, eyes still watering up by the second. 

“I’m twenty years old Jisung. Twenty year old Jisung who’s ready for whatever it is, if it can be with _ you_. Don't you get that?” 

“And, you’re Renjun. Huang Renjun, who I’ve loved since I was a kid.” Jisung lets out a genuine laugh and smile. “Renjun hyung, who’s shined brighter than anyone I’ve ever come across till this very day!”

Renjun laughs as he wipes away his tears.

“Renjun hyung.” Jisung smiles his smile down at the smaller older boy against him. “_My _ Renjun hyung that I'm supposed to marry.” 

The two laugh together at that last part. Jisung wipes Renjun’s falling tear from his cheeks and rubs his thumb against it.

“You're Renjun hyung, _ my _ Renjun hyung, my first love.”

“And I guess...as much as I keep telling myself, I don't think that will ever change.” 

“I can’t promise you anymore that I’ll marry you. Not in this shit economy.” Renjun admits while letting out a refreshing laugh. 

“That’s fine. We can take it slow.” Jisung hums. 

Renjun nods his head in agreement. “But I can promise to try my best?”

Jisung squints his eyes at Renjun’s last words. “I'm kind of sick of promises.”

Renjun nods his head and bites his lip at his choice of words. “I’ll try my best...” 

Jisung smiles in reassurance as he leans down to hug Renjun tightly. 

“It might be difficult. _ I _ might be difficult. So I'll understand if you don’t want to-”

“Hyung, I’m not a kid anymore.” Jisung firmly says as he tightens his grasp around Renjun. He leans back to get a look at the older hyung. “But, you’re right. I was young back then. And maybe young Jisung couldn’t handle someone like you.”

“You could see it in the pages right? How head over heels I was for you?” Jisung laughs at the sudden realization that Renjun’s probably read through his entire diary. Pages and pages filled with confessions, vulnerability, and a wild range of emotions since he was nine years old. Secrets, that he never in a million years thought he’d be sharing, _especially_ not to the one he wrote them all for. Jisung feels embarrassed and his cheeks start to heat up. 

“But I’m not a kid anymore. That was me then. This is me now. And-”

He just looks at Renjun. 

“God, hyung. I’m in love with you.” 

That was it. _That_ was it. Jisung understood now. Why he struggled all these years. He never really admitted it to himself. He never really let that ever get to him. Those true feelings of love. He knows that deep inside, he always tried to deny the fact that it was there. Always there. It was so pure. _So pure_, that Jisung had almost missed it. It wasn't a crush. It wasn't a high school confession. It wasn't just something he could get over if he wanted. Park Jisung _loved_ Huang Renjun. And it was something that was dangerous. A little risky. A little broken. But, real. So so real. And there. And Jisung realizes in that moment that _that_ was what love did. He couldn't just run away from it because he was tired. He knew that it would continue to be there. And he had to hold on to it for it to grow. Jisung feels invincible. 

Renjun laughs again, a genuine laugh. He hadn’t seen Renjun smile like that in years. He can see the tears starting to well up again in those shiny eyes of his. He wonders if the planet his hyung visits so often lies right in his very eyes. 

“Do you want to give me a chance, Park Jisung?” 

“God, I thought you’d never ask.” 

Jisung leans down and places the softest sweetest kiss onto Renjun’s awaiting lips. It felt bittersweet. He understood what this kiss meant. Huang Renjun was Park Jisung's first love. Although Park Jisung couldn't give his first kiss to his first love, he was thankful to be able to give his first kiss to his last love. 

At age nine, Park Jisung made a promise. At age fifteen, Jisung fell in love. At age seventeen, Jisung realized that first loves weren't really what he expected them to be. At age eighteen, Jisung realized that first loves were difficult. At age twenty, Park Jisung ran out of paper in his diary and finally said goodbye to his first love. 

✐

_ To: My Secret _

_Bye, my first._

_ Hello, my last. _

_ From, _

_ Jisung_

✐

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> *PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, OR COPY.


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